I'm trying to be Thankful...

I hate that I let things get to me too much. I hate that I am in such a bad mood that I cannot just turn these emotions off. I'm mad at myself that I am so grumpy and cannot even be freaking thankful for my life. I think there is something wrong with me. I wish moods had on and off buttons- it would make things a lot easier. I think the problem is that I am surrounded by so much negativity and I cannot help but get submersed in it sometimes. I know there are things I can do, like stop reading CNN and other news sites constantly. I am just obsessed with news. Even though its mostly bad shit. I still cannot help it- actually I can...I just dont.
Thanksgiving is only a few short hours away. I hope I can snap outta this funk and be happy and focus on the good things about my life. Shit, maybe I should just drink A LOT tomorrow...oh wait, I can't do that either. Eff.
Sorry to be such a downer. I hope to be nicer in my next blog. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. Sorry this entry sucks.

Actually, I do not mind being a 'loser'.

That's right. I'm a loser. I am fully ok with this fact. Why? Because in my case, I am a loser of weight. That's right. I went to the doctor (like I do once a month) and I am down another 4 pounds in 4 weeks. This brings the total of weight loss to 32 pounds since Dec 10, 2007. Of course it has been gradual, yet consistent. I am happy about that. Now it is time to watch my show, the Biggest Loser and then go home to see my sister who is home from college for Tgiving. I havent seen her in exactly 4 weeks....so needless to say I am so excited to see her.

TGIF & TGIAWWNP

TGIF…AND….TGIAWWNP…….Seriously…Thank God it is Friday AND Thank God it’s a weekend with no plans. That NEVER happens. I am very excited. Excited to do nothing….is that weird? I just need some down time. I am always busy and for once I want to be unbusy. Now, I will still keep myself busy but it will be like just organizing, cleaning, reading, stuff like that. Heck, I may even decorate for Christmas. Even though I do not quite feel it is that time of year yet. We will see.
This week has been exceptionally long. Well, it has felt exceptionally long as I know it isn’t really any longer than any other week. Wednesday night I was thinking that the next day was Friday. So that was a bummer being at work yesterday, having it feel like a Friday but it was only a Thursday. Which, I love Thursdays for a couple reasons, but it is still not Friday. Thursday’s are paydays, and in the evenings Grey’s Anatomy is on. I still love that show, even though it isn’t as fun as the first two seasons. I think the third season and the writers strike, really affected the show’s content…etc. They are slowly coming back and winning all of my devotion back. Last nights episode was just super weird…I am still perplexed about it. Oh well. I still enjoyed it.
I do not really have a set topic today, just rambling really. This past week I have really been thinking about a lot of deeper issues and so today I think I am just emotionally and mentally on vacation. I am sort of just blah today. It is ok though, because I’m in an overall positive and content mood. Thank God it is not last Friday when I was at the dentist getting assaulted. And my whole weekend was hectic and on top of that I was in pain. No bueno. The past is past..yay.
Here is to the weekend. *cheers*

What do you mean Thanksgiving is next week?!?!

Yeah.....Oh Joy!

About two months ago I was actually looking forward to this Holiday. Now that the plans of that day are "unknown" for the first time in my whole life......I am dreading it. I think it is because I have been so sure of my family traditions growing up and even when Jeff and I were dating...the plans were always the same. Last year was the first year I spent it doing his family tradition. It was a great time...very different and an adjustment for me, but great. Now, nothing, no set plans, no familiarity, no traditions. :( And its extra bummerish becuase this is our first Thanksgiving Holiday as a married couple. I guess its time to grow up and make our own traditions.....but not quite because we will probably have to share and split time between families and just be bouncing around........so not the Thanksgiving that it should be.
Of course as with most major holidays or events, it is more exciting and fun as a child. My fondest of memories of my childhood include Thanksgiving time of year. I remember being excited to go to the Nursery and see the real live turkeys. My family has a tree Nursery in town and it still looks the same as when I was little. That is one of the things I love about it. All the memories are still there, all the smells, set up and what not. Now, each year right after Halloween my dad would take our Tom Turkey from our tree farm to the nursery for a neat little decoration/attraction for the fall time of year. It is pretty silly that I would look forward to seeing our turkey in a different venue, and it was hard to remember it was the same turkey that I ignored in my own backyard. Just something about Tom being on display, with an assortment of different shaped squash and gords, multi colored hardened corn cobs, and hay bales. It was so cool. He would puff up and do his little dance. If you have never seen a turkey “intimidating” dance (I also believe it to be their mating dance as well) you should see one. It is hilarious. They puff all their feathers out and they start doing this weird dance back and forth. I also remember the fresh popcorn and hot apple cider in the show room of the Nursery. My grandfather had an old fashioned popcorn machine, it was super cool. We also got the paper bags that had the white and red stripes on it. It was such a cool time of year there. It was second to Christmas, but still something that I looked forward to each year. It has been a good 10 years since I did any of that though. The main reason is because my grandfather passed away the day after Thanksgiving in 1999 and with his passing so did our major family Thanksgiving time traditions. I still somewhat resent my dad and his side of the family for this. But, I cannot live my life in the past and hold onto anger and resentment. Life is too short to be like that. Now, it’s only natural for me to not be all that excited about Thanksgiving currently. This time of year used to be one of my favorites, and it is now just a favorite memory and past time. When I think about the good times, it’s not long until the shadow of the past comes back to steal away those happy memories and replace them with sad ones.
My family from Kansas City (who are my favorite people in the world to this day) used to come to Wichita for Thanksgiving every year. They are so much fun. These cousins are a lot older than me, they are a good 10-20 years older than I am. So they were in their late twenties and thirties with little ones of their own. I loved that too- being around little kids. Of course now they are in their teen years. My dad is the baby of his family by a lot of years. I think he is what you call a “oops baby”. His sister is 15 years older than him, his brothers are 13 and 10 years older than him. Therefore they all have kids much older than me and my siblings. But I always loved that because they were so much fun and they had babies I could play with.
Anyways, Thanksgiving 1999, everyone was in town as usual- however the days prior to actual Thanksgiving day was spent at the nursing home at a 24 hour bedside vigil. This was nothing knew actually, there were at least 3 other times in the past year that we thought he would pass away. But he always pulled through, so I think we all just expected him to pull through again. We especially didn’t think he would actually pass away around thanksgiving. But at the same time some of my family members thought it was a good time of year so everyone in town could say their goodbyes. I see their point now that I am an adult, but when I was a young it was devastating. Anyways, so that was the last year we did the fun huge McHenry family Thanksgiving. The next year we started going to my mom’s side. Which is always a big gathering and fun enough, however, it was just like a pre Christmas get together. We always do a huge Christmas with mom’s side. And we always did a huge Thanksgiving with dad’s side. Anyways, then last year I went to Texas with Jeff for Thanksgiving with his mom’s side. It was very a huge change for me. It was hard to be away from my family, but also a preview of what my life was evolving into. I was very eager and excited to become part of his families’ traditions. They were very welcoming and it was a good time for the most part. Now I fully expected to go again this year, and extra happy since I already was ‘part’ of the family so I could relax a bit and not be nervous like I was last year in an unfamiliar setting with new people. So my excitement quickly turned into disappointment when I learned we were not going to Texas this year. So now, I have no clue how we are going to shuffle around. Of course his family and my family want to do dinner at the same time so now it should be interesting. I guess this is just the transition part of our lives. We still do stuff with our sides of the family. But in the future, once we settle down a little more and when (and if) we add little ones to the mix…then we will get to start our own traditions. That is something I feel strong about. I want to establish great traditions and stuff for the kids to grow up knowing and being familiar with like I was in my childhood. I do not need to think about this anymore since kids couldn’t be further from story right now.I am thankful for everything in my life and so that is the reason for the season. But it should be interesting to see how this Thanksgiving ends up.

Once upon a time....

This blog should be interesting. Contrary to my previous two entries, I am not always going to be bitchy and vent about life issues. That was just a timing thing when I started this blog. I mainly started it because I have always been interested in writing about my life and feelings whether good or bad. Instead of actual paper and pen, the new thing is the computer. Plus I think if I wrote all this down my hand would cramp up terribly. Sad but true since I do not write much anymore. As a kid I had a small green diary adorned with random glitter doodles from glitter gel pens that I was obsessed with in my adolescent years. Some of the designs whether all or partial parts of them have since peeled or fallen off. Anyways, this diary mainly told tales of crushes, new experiences, anger and injustice. Many entries were about my experiences of growing up the oldest girl in the family, living on a tree farm with my siblings and many different animals. Entries about my experiences at the private catholic grade school I attended. Entries documenting several crazy adventures embarked on with my childhood neighbor and best friend who was two years older and went to a public (gasp) school. To this day I am amazed at how sheltered I was and that my parents actually let me hang out with Mandy. She was that kid in your life that told you the stuff you weren’t supposed to know at such a young age. You know, like Santa wasn’t real, nor was the tooth fairy or Easter bunny and babies don’t come from just kissing, or about what a period was and much more. She also got me into a lot of trouble since she was such a strong influence and not typically a positive one. She convinced me to steal for the first time from a girl on the bus- it was a bag of candy. Looking back it wasn’t even candy I liked, but Mandy liked and wanted. Then she proceeded to be the one who tattled on me. That little bitch. She also provoked me into calling the bully on the bus a very bad name. I was grounded FOREVER and also had to call him on the phone and apologize to him, which was so humiliating. That was not even the worst of it all. She also told some of my secrets, like which boy on the bus I had a crush on. It wasn’t she would just tell someone, she announced it to the whole crowd. So I learned a lot from this girl. Like what not to do…but did at one time. Now, I have a lot of happy and fun memories of being friends with her. But most of them were fun at the time, but got us into trouble. I also had entries of sibling rivalry, anger, jealously and hatred (unfortunately). Hey I was young and had an older brother and two younger sisters and as we all know when siblings are involved life isn't fair; especially when you have sisters. I also wrote about fun, happy times with my siblings. We had a lot of silly, sneaky, hilarious and bizarre experiences that we shared. We used to run around the kitchen naked before bedtime. We used to set up spy operations and sneak to one another’s bedrooms and then sneak to the living room and spy on our parents watching the evening news. We also would ride bikes all over the place, and terrorize the chickens and sheep. My sisters and I would play Barbie’s and I used to make stupid little pillows and comforters out of remnant material and lace my mom had. We also would play hide and go seek in the dark, that was always a favorite. We used to play taco bell drive through in an old beat up camper/trailer my dad had one year from trying out his skills at selling Christmas tree’s in December. We had a lot of fun in that camper trailer. There are many more wacky tales from the McHenry children, but that is good enough for now. I think the bulk of my entries, I’m not going to lie here, were about my incessant crushes on several boys which would change frequently. It’s funny how you think you really love someone, but 2 weeks later you are over them and on to the next victim. It is humorous now, but back then I remember praying so adamantly that Chris Gerhardt would be my husband when I was all grown up, but then two entries later pray the same thing for me and Jeff Wazisgo. Ha ha, that was the friend of my brother’s who wore black spandex shorts with neon colored shapes all the time ….wow…what was I thinking?? Garth Brooks said it best when he sang this simple yet astounding sentence-“some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.” That is enough for now. My point in this entry was that I used to write about my weird quirky childhood and I guess now I can write about my weird quirky adulthood. And that of course my experiences may not be as colorful and wacky like they were in my formative years, but I still have some very interesting experiences recently, presently and some certainly awaiting me in the future. Bring it on…gulp.

Seriously? Im sick of this crap.

I swear everything is getting to me these days. I shouldnt be shocked by anything I hear or witness these days, but yet I am. I just recently had conversations with a friend of mine who is planning her wedding. She is having the toughest time with it and it saddens me because of the reasons why. Family. Yes, thats the central reason. It saddens me because a family is suppose to love, support and completely help you and not cause agony, stress and resentment. I cannot believe just how selfish people are. How hard of a concept is it...it is a wedding, a celebration of love between two people. It ISNT everyone else's business on what to do and what not to do. It also isnt a place to lay on the bullshit thick, or serve up extra helpings of guilt. Shame on those doing this to them. My friend and her fiance are amazing people who only deserve the best and a life of happiness. And the planning phase should be nothing short of a reflection of what they want and what makes them happy. Now, I know first hand how stressful it can get to plan a wedding. Also, how other people try to control or micro manage aspects of it. As with everything, you have to pick and chose your battles carefully. In my personal experience with planning a wedding I was fortunate to only have small battles-which at the time i thought were much larger than they were. I was sadly mistaken, and I realized this when I was enlightened to my friends situation. Her battles to pick from....how can you pick when the battles are more like massive bloody insane wars. And bless her heart she is trying to handle it the best way she knows how. But who knows how to handle things that are easily a 99 on a 10 point moronic, idiotic and insane scale. I wish I could grow a pair and march up to the meanies and just tell them how it is.....tell them how wrong they are, put them in their place and then leave it at that and let my friend go on and plan her pretty little head off....plan, plan, plan, breathe, plan, plan, plan every aspect of her and her man's happy wedding and more importantly the beginning of their marriage.
What is with people today? So selfish, judgemental, nosy, irritating, rude and flat out mean. No matter what happens, I have complete faith that it will be amazing and I will be there with only love, support and joy for them as they say their I do's.

Let's take a crack at it.

This is my first real attempt at just letting the verbal diarrhea flow. I think it will help to get my thoughts out there. This way I do not have to be polite, tactful, passive (like I am in person) or anything I dont want to be if I dont have to be. On here, I do not have to bite my tongue or keep my thoughts to myself becuase I do not want people to judge me or be insulted or hurt by what I say, think and feel. Im sure what I say will not be liked by all, but what I say is my opinion and truthful. I can just be me, real, honest and well....a bitch. I am not going to fake being a super happy, cheery, sunshiney, always positive person, because thats not realisitc. Sure I am happy more than unhappy. But I also am realistic and down to earth so I deal with life as it comes.

Today was a weird day. Morning kinda sucked and the work day was so so....but this evening was good, a quasi fresh start if you will. I went and worked out which is something I have been slacking on in the past couple months. I feel great that I did it and I am planning on keeping it up. I also committed to do this blog...or at least attempt at it. I think it will really help me to air my frustrations out, more on this thing than on my husband. So this is my virtual husband in a way. I can let it all out here.

I am dreading Friday, I have to go to the dentist to have some work done. It will be painful. It will make my weekend less enjoyable too. Thank God for pain pills though....actually not sure I can take them. And tylenol will not be strong enough...oh boy. Anyways on Saturday, I have a wedding to go to that I have been looking forward to for months now. Unfortunetly I wont be able to drink any alcohol...but it still should be a good time. Then Sunday, there is a big family event for a birthday party - it will be a lot of fun. I hope people show up. A lot of these get togethers people just dont show up and its pretty sad really. And of course some people have valid excuses, most dont...they are just lazy, selfish or just dont care. It is one of those things where, I want to be there, but I also would like to do other things...but its not about me. Also, I know how important this celebration is and so I am glad to be going...I just hope I am not in too much pain. But I will suck it up and deal with it if I am. Becuase again, this party is not about me. My mother did not raise me to be a selfish girl! Then Sunday night I hope to spend some time with the Mister. He will probably have some studying to do, but I hope we can watch a movie or something. Before the work week starts back up again...joy!
Well I have rambled enough and my teeth hurt so I am going to go watch some T.V.