Tuesday, December 16, 2008

In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

So, every once in awhile, we get knocked back into reality - this has definitely happened more to me this year than any other year that I can recall. When I say reality, I mean we get knocked out of our own personal reality and are forced to come back to actual reality. If that makes sense, what I mean is our personal reality is just our own lives and what’s going on in them-our natural selfish lives in a bubble compared to everything in the bigger picture (actual reality). When something tragic and unbelievable happens- it causes you to question everything, causes your mind to spin out of control and also try to grasp something that makes sense. Trying to grasp any understanding that would help you to just calm down and breathe. But this isn’t about me. Not really. One thing I know that is a fact, almost everyone takes life for granted way to often. Daily even. When something like unexpected and unfathomable death occurs, it causes you to take a good look at the world and with that perspective happens. That perspective is how short life is and we should not take it for granted. Now as we know, death is a part of life. It is something unavoidable. It always is going to be rough to lose someone to death, but some situations are easier to handle than others. Old age, sickness, stuff like that can give you perspective before it’s too late. It will help you to realize what is truly important. So then you can adjust and act accordingly. To make every day count- to focus on what truly matters and cherish the good times and unite through the bad times. For instance, when my grandfather was sick for years and extremely sick for months prior to his passing, it was very sad and painful to go through it. However, we had time to prepare for this and it was ‘easier’ to say goodbye. On the other hand, my grandmother’s passing was instant, unexpected…and cruel. With that being said, I need to take a moment to express how I am glad she didn’t suffer. But, as I am only human- I am also still bitter that I never got to tell her good bye, etc. How selfish am I? But this isn’t about me, not really.
I have this friend, who I refuse to talk about in past tense, because I am selfish and only human. Here is this woman, 25, with 2 little boys not even out of diapers yet. She is living a life full of health and happiness and joy. Then one random day, Tuesday, December 9, she has a sudden brain aneurysm which causes her to fall and subsequently slips into a coma. She is now in the hospital. Outlook bad, but naturally her family, friends and loved ones are scared, yet remain hopeful for a recovery. Word spreads fast, people are pulling together, friendships rekindling and people united for one reason-incredible in its entirety- Prayers for her and her family. Then Monday it is learned that she has now been pronounced brain dead, and her family has decided to take her off the machines. The first thought I had when I heard this was. NO! This was shortly followed by a flood of thoughts surrounding her beautiful baby boys, who were now motherless. How does any of this make sense? I most definitely believe in God, however, it is hard to try to even begin to comprehend how this could be a good thing. I cannot find one reason how it can be good for two young innocent amazing boys to lose their mother. And not only that, but the manner in which it happen and so sudden. Who am I to question God? Who am I to judge this situation? Guilt takes over, go figure. Of course, the cliché phrase “everything happens for a reason” pops into my head. I cannot help but sigh and be slightly irritated at this. Then feeling guilty all over again, but overshadowed by immense sadness. After I let it sink in for a few minutes, I couldn’t wait to talk to my husband. He was now off the hook for the petty shit I was irritated with him at earlier in the day. He got away with being a slacker for just another day. I just wanted to be with him, to talk to him, to be in awe of this recent reality check. I also couldn’t wait to talk to my sisters. How irritated I was for a much different reason than normal, that one sister was 6 hours away. I just wanted to hug her. You never know what the future holds, not really. This could happen to anyone at any time!! How scary, how do you not live in fear of that?? It just makes you pause and reflect for a long time about all the “what if’s” that flood your head. What if that was MY sister? What is that was MY mother? What if that was Jeff? What if that was ME? All of those questions, separately, could keep my brain busy for days. My emotions kicked into overdrive yesterday for sure. The little boys - her sweet babies. It is so sad to think that the youngest one will probably not remember her. The older one will hopefully remember her, vaguely, but still will. They are little blessings though. She may have been living for only a short time. But the point is- she was living! She packed so much happiness into her 25 years- some peace of mind for her family I hope. Her legacy is her sons and the good amazing person she was. After I stopped thinking about her sons, I then focused on her parents, sister, grandparents, her significant other, and all those who are profoundly affected by her death. Words are definitely failing me here. There seem to be no words that express anything to even remotely justify this story in its entirety. An amazing person, so full of life and a million reasons to live- is no longer here. I am sure now, more than ever, that Heaven exists. It must exist. She is most definitely in Heaven, or at least on assignment to be a loving guardian angel to her boys. I have to focus on that, because in all actuality if I focus on the bad stuff, there is no coming out of it sanely. Another quote comes to mind, “Only the Good Die Young.” I believe that whole heartedly. Rest in peace, Brianna, rest in peace.

1 comment:

Kendra said...

Mark told me the news about her. So crazy and sad. I feel terrible. We had just reconnected on facebook and couldn't imagine this happening to any of my loved ones. And on a side note, I know hypocrisy only lied in me when I talk to you. You were definitely not the only one that asked if I was PG! :) I hope you find understanding with the passing. I know it is hard, but we can make it through!